I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
