I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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