speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
