I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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