2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Randomize
