just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
