this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
