i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
