just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
