i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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