If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
