He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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