the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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