Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
