end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
