you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
