I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
