Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
