Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I need to align my fucking chakras
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
