If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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