im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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