What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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