Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
