then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
