I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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