She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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