My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
