matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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