Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
