I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
