I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
