I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
