I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
