"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
