i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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