I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
