you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I am midnight drunk by noon
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
