Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Randomize
