every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
