Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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