As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
