they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
