You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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