tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
