Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
