For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
