I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize