I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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