You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize