well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
