I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
