so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
