I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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