I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
