Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
