Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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