i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
