giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
The best revenge is premature balding
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
