i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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