I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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